John: You're listening to The Present Professional, where we explore the intersections of personal and professional development.

John: To change your experience of life and work with every episode.

Tony: So tune in, grab your notebook, and let's go. Let's go.

John: Welcome to another episode of the present professional today. We want to talk about something that has been really present in our lives recently with so much change going on with family changes, newborns. And I came into a meeting with Tony and was talking about how much my. Scale of time has changed with the birth of my daughter and how I have to remind myself of all the things that I'm getting done even though it's at a different time scale than I was used to before. So it's getting used to this new level of production as a high-achieving professional and individual And then we said. Let's talk about this. And let's let's unpack what it's like to. Be able to spot what's going right in the middle of change. Now that could be. Any place in your life in your career, maybe you're transitioning jobs, you're transitioning cities. There's something going on in your personal life. Maybe you are caring for a newborn, caring for an aging parent. There's always some point of transition in your life where your level of productivity and your level of personal engagement and other things that you were used to, maybe for years. It's going to change. So how are you going to then shift your mindset to spot what's going right in that moment instead of any little thing that you can pick out that just isn't going your way or isn't the same? Let's talk about it.

Tony: Yeah, man, it's it's a true transition. The true transition and really. It's just like anything new, you know, it doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen right away. You really first don't even realize that you need to make a change. It might take you a while. It might take a year before you even, for some people to even recognize that maybe I should change the way I appreciate the things happening in my life. Sometimes it takes a conversation or even an accountability buddy that's going through similar things. So it's a weird change because Especially for friends of mine and people I know that we're just free, you know, no babies, no nothing changing their schedule, no any of that. And then you have to switch it completely to be on other people's time and respecting what other people want to do. And it's different, man. And I've been adjusting to this for a while now. It's like I always think about myself prior to getting married and you know, then, you know, five, six years later, we had our son and then, you know, now we have a daughter. And the good thing is that I personally have held on to who I am. I've held on to my beliefs, my values, my core being. I've just brought that person to each of those different phases. I brought myself, that person to each setting and that has helped me too because I know who I am, right? So it's like even though I have to slow down to relearn how to appreciate life or relearn how to appreciate things, it doesn't cause me too much pain or too much like anxiety because I'm like, I'm still me, you know, like I like I'm still that that guy. So I just have to be me in a different setting in different way and not put so much pressure on myself that then I start to lose who lose myself and lose who I am.

John: I couldn't agree more. It's been that's something I've been reminding myself a lot of and I've actually said it very similarly is. Whenever, you know, whenever she was born in this like first, you know, 56 weeks. I really personally don't feel any different. I feel exact same person, same values, same work ethic, and it's almost like that has been Amplified. In a way, because it's you know the example that you want to set and also. It's something that I don't want to lose touch of. It's like this youthful this playfulness this. There's no reason to get too serious in a way. And. Yeah, that's been something I've been living with, but what has changed is my attention. And. You know, there's always a way for my daughter to be on my mind. There's always something I could be thinking about her doing something for. It's like almost becomes all for her. That attention is also my greatest resource for production, and my work, and being able to provide for her and the family. So it's, I still have to be able to utilize that attention to do the things I need to do professionally, but I just can't help but bring so much attention to her just little being. It's just amazing. It's been such a miracle to, you know, to watch nature do its work. And just watch her grow even just in these like first first few months and now you know and looking at you with you know with Logan now I mean wow it's like he's a little person now. It's just. It's such an amazing thing, but. Back to what the point of like that struggle was. Was. Getting control of my attention. Was. Part being able to actually focus on what I want to get done in that time, but it was also focusing on. What was getting done like what is going right in my life with work and that mindset shift makes a whole difference in my energy mood and everything. If I start focusing on. You know what I'm forgetting what I had to delay what's being pushed back for some reason. You know where have I been distracted? A lack of sleep. Right instead of appreciating the good nap I did get. The amount of sleep I'm grateful that I'm getting, the amount of time that I get to be present with her and really in the awe of the moment. It's like all of that is happening at the same time. Now I can choose to focus on all of that or focus on what's not happening, what's changing from that old steady state. what I'm not making progress in, what's been delayed. I mean, just think of the energy even right now in my voice of changing the focus to that versus what I said about the moment in awe and all of the good things that are happening and all the things that are moving forward. So it's like you can exist in this reality. Spotting. What's going right with your life? Or spotting what's changing, what's going differently and putting your own judgment on it to say what's going wrong?

Tony: It's definitely a miracle to recognize it early because there's so many past fathers and generations of people that never connected the two, never connected it until it was too late or until their kids are older or until, until, until, until. And so it's extremely important to call out everything you're saying because it is hard to be the breadwinner or the one that needs your attention to produce the things that provide the resources for y'all to live or you to live. I mean, that's a whole other podcast episode. But at the same time, to recognize that your attention is, you only have so much time, you know, only a minute. You know, it's really all we have and you have a choice of how you want to use that time, how you want to use that minute. And it's difficult. I mean, my son, he's at an age now where he knows when I'm not paying attention to him. Babies, they know, too, in their own way. But, I mean, like a toddler, like, it's looking you in the eyes and it's, like, really trying to get your attention because they want to show you this cool toy or they want to just, like, play with you. It's different. It's like they're, like, like you said earlier, little people. And if you are distracted, they see that and what, you know, my biggest, like, I won't say fear, but one of my concerns or things I try to make sure I practice so it doesn't happen is where I don't want to become too busy to where he just sees me as a busy figure and it's like, yeah, well, you're never here or you never give me your attention. And that becomes our relationship because I've seen that Really in movies, but it's real because it translates to life real good. But, you know, I just, I practice a lot of things to safeguard that. So I'm back to doing what I usually do, which is turning my phone off more often. That's like one of my, like if I'm checking apps, or something right after that I might just turn my phone off for like 10 minutes or 20 minutes or something not even like a full long period but just enough to break up the habit of me picking up my phone or scrolling just mindlessly right because that is when I noticed that my when I'm with my son if he tries to get my attention I noticed that when I'm mindlessly scrolling, he's definitely trying to get my attention, and I'm locked in on my phone. It's not the worst thing, but I've seen the difference when I just don't have my phone at all, and I know I'm not… It's not even on me and it's off, like the triple effect. It's not by me, it's not in my pocket and it's off. We are just locked in and he's my full attention. Now work and productivity is different and I just have to remind myself that every parent has to work or somebody has to work and it's normal for me to not be available from nine to five or whatever the time is. Because that's the way that our society is set up. So I have to give myself grace and say, you might not see me on Monday at 10 a.m., son, because I'm probably in a meeting. But, you know, outside of that, like, the nighttime, I'm at a place now where this space, how young my kids are, after 5, 6 p.m., that's their time. So it's their time from then to bedtime. And now I'm working myself into a space and a zone where now I can get back to doing some closeout things once they're down, but that's a whole different I'm not there yet. I'm like, that's what I'm transitioning to. So it's a lot. It's a lot of learning, a lot of shifting. But like I said earlier, just being who you are at your core is the key. So remembering who you are at your core is the key, whether you got to look at your resume, whether you got to look at your, you know, whatever social media platform fuels you to be like, oh yeah I'm still you know blah blah blah it's you don't want to lose that because if you lose that then you become somebody that you that you're not or that you don't really want to be or I don't know I can't speak for other people but I know I never want to not be Tony Holmes so Whatever that looks like, I'm gonna do it. Like, if I gotta wake up super early to still be that guy, then that's what I'm gonna do. But what I'm not gonna do is look up in the mirror and say, man, look what I've become. Mm-hmm.

John: Yep. And, you know, that's a whole, that's a whole other talk on self-awareness as well. You know, that's what you're, you know, what you're practicing is what it sounds like is, you know, fully being present when you are in that work zone and, you know, when you are with your family and making the most of that time.

Tony: Yes, and I want to say this, too, so when it goes back to the topic of appreciating the small wins when I'm When it goes back to the topic of appreciating the small wins, what I want to say that makes it correlate is I might not be doing anything productive when I'm with them, so I have to remind myself of those things so I don't feel bad. I could be with them not doing anything, and I have to be like, I'm still me.

Tony: I'm still me. Even though I might be crawling under a table or playing a game, I'm still me.

Tony: You know, and I get back to that at a later time. But that's what that's what I mean by, you know, doubling down. Remember who you are at your core. So when you're not doing anything productive, you don't like beat yourself up or feel like a failure. At least that's my that's what I try to practice.

John: Right. And you know what that brings up for me, too, is what Richard Barrett said was episode, I think, 31. And something he said stuck with me. Hardcore when we were talking about parenting. And you know, he said that, you know, we were kind of talking about like purpose driven work and. you know our purpose and he was saying that like there's no higher purpose like or higher contribution in this world than raising conscious children. If that's the only thing that you focused on and you were successful at, you would have made that much more of an impact on the world than anything that you could have done on your own productive wise. So that's something that has stayed with me for a while and something that I continue to remind myself of when I'm being present with my daughter and when that productivity as it stood a year ago, It's different than it is today because contributing in that presence with my family is even more of a contribution to the world than what I might create behind my desk. That's something that has really, really stuck with me.

Tony: Yeah, I definitely remember that conversation because I believe he was aiming that at me. So he was. I was like kind of like taking her back. I think he asked me, what's my biggest fear? Just, you know, out of whim. And, you know, I said that my biggest fear is if I'm not going to be able to help enough people in my life. And then he said that my family would suffer because of that, if that's my biggest fear. I mean, it was it was interesting. But, you know, I still feel like for So I talk, I speak for myself. So for me, I'm a lot of first generations, this and that. And I think we both talk about that, too. I'm like a lot of things for my family. And so for me, you know, I think that raising conscious children and being an extremely productive citizen is the goal. It's not one or the other. And so who has where we lose is or where the loss is. Really? In just like personal, I don't know, fun time, recreation time. I find my recreation time, but I do, I definitely sacrifice my recreation time. I usually don't. No, I have not probably seen the latest movie. I have probably not watched the latest show. I have probably And I heard the latest song. That's kind of where I am. And I think that when it goes back to appreciating the little things, you can't have everything. You have to lose somewhere. So I'm actually grateful for my friends that are very much hooked into the culture. I have a few group chats I'm in where people they know everything that's going on all the time. So I'm like, I'm aware because of that. But sometimes if it wasn't for that, I'm not gonna say I'm a caveman, but I just choose what I engage in because time is finite, you know? And then with kids, it's like definitely finite. So, you know, I think I'm doing a good job of balancing it all. I've kind of been on this sacrificial recreation tip for a while, so it doesn't bother me. I do miss certain movies, so I probably will slow down and watch some movies again. But it's really hard for me personally, not like with my wife. If she wants to watch a movie, I'm gonna have to figure out how to make it happen. But it's really hard for me to personally justify sitting down for two hours or two and a half hours or whatever the time is if it's not a dedicated date night. And that may flag a lot of people to say like, what? Every relationship is different. So if we having a date night, she got all my time for sure. But if it's just like I'm at the house on a Wednesday night and we want to watch a movie, like that's so hard for me to like be still in that. So and I think that is the sacrifice that I've made in my life to To do the things that I want to do and and be the person for my for my family, right?

John: That's and I agree they coexist and I would say that they actually feed one another. You know the example of how many people that you want to help and serve and you know that being your professional drive. What kind of example does that set for your kids? I mean, I think raising conscious children is in conscious work as well. You're setting that example is, and you're why behind what you're doing, what you're creating, how much you're investing in yourself. You're investing in yourself to be able to serve others. And setting that example, I think, is part of raising conscious children. So I'd say you're a prime example for that, man. And you've done a lot to prioritize the things that really matter to you. You know, really spend your time and energy in places that you value things that you're committed to. I think you are a. You know, one of the one of the best people I've seen when it comes to. Discipline. In both regards, like professionally family wise, like saying no to things that are just not, you know, high value to you. I'd say like, you know you. You have a great. Discipline around the what I like to call the instant gratification monkey. You're able to tame. You're able to tame the monkey better than most and definitely better than me.

Tony: Yeah, it's not easy. I don't know, but, you know, like I'm always talking about strengths, you know, and being a strengths coach, and my third strength is discipline. So, yeah, I mean, with discipline being a high strength of mine by, you know, definition and data and not just bragging. It comes with another side of it. So it's really, you know, I can be, like I said before, very rigid or very like, no. And, you know, that's just that's what works for me. You know, that's what keeps me productive. That's what keeps keeps the ball moving in my in my life personally and professionally. And I think my wife does a great job of respecting that boundary and not really like letting it affect her too much, because I'm sure there's times where she would prefer that I just stop doing whatever it is I'm doing, whether it's around the house or whether it's whatever it is, and just sit down and just enjoy a lifetime movie with her. But she knows that it's not going to happen. It's not in the thing where I don't enjoy spending time with her. I love my wife. I love spending time with her. We have dedicated date night. If she chooses, if she says that's what she wants to do on date night, well, guess where I'm going to be? Right there. But yeah, I definitely live like a blocked time schedule like in my head I'm clocking all my time all the time, but it helps me appreciate the little things right and you know when that I agree with the block schedule when that block shifts I

John: Is when you know I start to get. Yeah, that little trigger comes up of like I'm you know I've shifted this time like I was supposed to do this. Now it's going to now. What is that shift back into? What is that pushback? And then I can start dwelling on that. So that got pushbacks and now that got pushback. Now what's next? Or you know I can be at ease with it. It's like we can always view what's happening in our life and like argue with the reality. We can or we can just strategy execute. And plan again, so it's like if that block gets pushed back, OK. What's the next plan? What has to give and then maybe in the future? How do we set things up so that doesn't happen again? Maybe we have a system or a routine. It's like always thinking about the plan and the execution. Taking the. Emotion out of it, not the emotion, but the the dwelling. It's like dwelling on something that didn't go your way is arguing with reality. Right, so. When there's something a disciplined pursuit that I'm after and that gets shifted around because something comes up with the family or you know the baby has different idea, right? It's like I can argue with that and kind of and beat myself up about it or we can be present in that moment. With the family and then make another choice about when you can get done what you needed to get done and then think about in the future. You know what system can be in place like to help me keep that block time on my schedule. It's. This is something I work with clients a lot on, and it's called like looking at reality objectively. So when we're subject to things, when we're subject to change, our emotions and way of being is subject to outside forces, are subject to change and how we feel about that. Instead of looking at things objectively. OK, this happened because I value my family and making the choice to address this right now. Push back some of the other things that were happening. How could I better block my time in the future to figure this out? and make sure that I have this allotted time, how can I ask for help in my support system from wife, from my friends, from my colleagues. This is what coaching is all about, is how to look at things objectively and move forward. And that doesn't mean that feeling is not important. The feeling can drive knowing when something is out of alignment or is in alignment like it's really valuable to get the information from your feelings and at the same time not allowing yourself to be subjected to them. and be controlled by your feelings but take them as messengers because what your feelings and emotions are telling you is a need is being met or a need is not being met. That's information that you can take forward objectively and plan and restructure your life in a way that works for you, aligns with your values and priorities, and just helps you move forward and enjoy life. That's why coaching not only is my career and passion and what my heart and soul is in now, also helped me not be subject to my emotions, subject to my environment and reality, and look at things objectively with my coach and in coaching myself. Now, I said a lot there. My question to you, listener, is what in your life right now, what in your reality are you subject to that you could look at objectively? And what would that look like? If you were to look at. This thing that's happening. This situation. Something that changed some transition. And say. OK, this happened. What's my plan? Let's execute. What's my next play in the game? A metaphor I use a lot in coaching as well. Is that we are all here just playing this game? Sometimes we go offside. Sometimes we get, you know, the other team has, you know, has a new play a new player. Some sometimes we gotta call a new play. Sometimes we gotta run a zone. Sometimes it's just what's your next play? If you can look at that segment by segment, moment by moment, you can be present there and look at what's going well objectively at that moment.

Tony: Yeah. That's good stuff. You said some things that really resonated with me, especially about reality. And that's important to me personally because, you know, just reading a lot of books about different things and one of the key things that stuck out to me over the last really couple years is just really… Just really to live in reality, you know, and not fight it. So the beautiful thing about reality is that when you find your way to live in reality and really just understand it for what it is, things you don't like, you can actually change over time. And if you can't change it, a lot of times it will change because most things are just a temporary situation. And that's why I'm big on finding your core values and being within yourself a lot as far as knowing who you are, because you don't have to change as much as your circumstances does. So, yeah, and things are temporary situations. So the thing about temporary situations is they're temporary. You know, my kids will be this size, this age, this sleep deprived or whatever for only a short period of time. Every parent that sees my family out and about at this size we are, age we are, and then when they have older kids especially, they're always like, I miss those days, I miss those days, I miss those days. I don't want to miss those days. I don't want to miss the moment of now. So I'm saying that where I was like, I was so busy. I was so hellbent on being successful that I just was not present with my family because The success is going to come. It's really inevitable. Just even by data science, I mean, generations are retiring every day. More open spots. There's more room for people who want to be successful than there are for the mediocrity. The mediocre game is full. The striving people that are making sacrifices and doing the right thing, there are plenty of slots open. for that, so as long as you keep striving every day, you're gonna get where you wanna get to. Now, how do you show up? When you show up, what is your family saying about you? You got all these things, but what are your kids saying about you? When you showed up, are your kids saying, now you have all this success and all these things worked out? Your kid's saying, yeah, but I mean, he's never here, he's a jerk. I barely see my dad. or are they saying, my dad was always there for me, he was so fun-loving, he poured into me, I noticed the sacrifices, he played with me, you know, all the things like that, to where you got both. You got both. You got the things you've desired and then you also have the love of your family because of the time you gave. And that's what drives me every day to balance it all. My son is like one of my little buddies. I try to take him places where I can that make sense and show him what daddy does and how daddy does it. It'll just continue to be our reality and our relationship. There's no better way to train up a child than for them to see you in action. Your kids only become who you are. Like, you know, you're doing stuff and then you're like, why are my kids doing this and that? It could be school, but it could be you. And it could be the lack of your presence. It could be your phone being so important to you that they're raising themselves, so.

John: Yep. All. Extremely important points, man and. You know, being present and we talk about, you know this episode and being able to spot the things that are going right in your life. And what that takes is your awareness. One is what is actually happening around you. Are you aware of that? Or is reality just taking you on some ride that you're on autopilot for? And if you are in that position right now, this is your call to wake up and notice what's happening around you. And not just the bad things, not just the change, the transition, what's different, but can you spot something that's going right in your life right now and appreciate that one thing? There's one exercise that is was in positive psychology research and that I use with clients sometimes. And I'll leave this with the clients when we sign off is or with the clients with the listeners as we sign off. And it's called three good things, and it's before you before you go to bed. You write three good things that happened that day. And why they happened. Super simple practice to start spotting what's going right in your life and that could be simple like the weather was nice today. I had a great breakfast. Or it could be profound. I got promoted. But then going that level deeper of why did this happen? Starts to help you realize some of the underlying magic behind what you're seeing. So take that on if you'd like and. Most of all. Don't argue with your reality. Just move forward with it. You have what it takes and we're here to support you. So thank you so much for being listeners. We appreciate you. We appreciate your feedback. All of you that have left reviews and told about your experience listening to us and directed other listeners to us. We really appreciate you and thank you for being a part of the community. So reach out to us at the presentprofessionalpodcast.com. If you have any questions or feedback or episode ideas, we'd love to hear from you. Thank you so much for being part of the community. Until next time, my friends.