John: You're listening to The Present Professional, where we explore the intersections of personal and professional development.

John: To change your experience of life and work with every episode.

Tony: So tune in, grab your notebook, and let's go. Let's go.

John: Welcome to another episode of the present professional. Today, we're here to talk about overcoming the fear of rejection. Now, rejection is a part of life. This is not something that's going to go away. And it's something that if you learn to manage and you learn to step into what you want to create, your goals, relationships, jobs, anything that you're going after, you may face rejection. And being able to take that risk, increasing your risk tolerance, while it can lead to rejection and failure, it can also lead to massive success, fulfillment, and ultimately joy within your life. So we'll go through some things like that today and talk about some of our experiences with rejection and what we've done to overcome that fear and move forward in the face of it anyway.

Tony: Yeah, and like you said, fear is a part of life. Fear is not something that you can avoid. It's something that you can manage. And so if you find a way to manage that fear, that's really one of the hacks and one of the keys to life, I would say. Because the feelings are always going to come up. But recognizing what's happening, recognizing that you've been here before, recognizing the feelings, and then knowing how to go into your toolkit and pull out what you need to defeat the fear is the way to do it. And we got some tools for you. I got a quote about I really about fear but really about your whole life and it's from elena hunt and it says it's only when you take responsibility for your life you discover how powerful you truly are. So i want to frame that up so we can go into the conversation today just knowing that the power is yours and it's in your hands and. Let's do this because you got some things to overcome so that you can live the life that you really want to live.

John: And so that everyone else can benefit from your unique contribution. Right, it's when you allow fear to keep you in a place that's smaller than what you're meant to become. That's when not only you are not realizing your potential, but the world isn't getting to experience what you realizing your potential will give. So it's finding that motivation to move forward because A lot of overcoming fear is about how you're building your resilience and momentum coming into some of those challenges, right? So we can talk about managing the fears in the moment and working with that when it comes up. And also has to be a part of your practice to reconnect to your motivations to reconnect to your why. So When I'm working with clients on moving forward in the face of fear or taking on a new habit that is somewhat against the identity that they've built or the identity of their culture, it just feels like there's a lot of weight holding them back from moving into this change, from moving into taking on this new goal, from having the conversation with their partner. For going after the job that feels a little bit out of their reach it's like coming back to the things that Are your why so it's there's not just this goal, but why is this important to you? you know, why is having this conversation important to you? And like really getting down to those building blocks can help build the momentum and let people step forward in the face of challenges because When you have momentum like that. It's. You're less able to be pushed off center by things that that hit you by the inevitable that's going to come up. So you know what are some of the things? What are some of the things that you do to connect to your why Tony? Like what are some of the things that that help you remind yourself of your mission like as you're kind of stepping forward in your career?

Tony: I think i think number one thing is do the work no if you do the work then you. We'll have the confidence when the fear comes up right so when you actually put in those ten thousand hours and i want to say that sometimes that sounds overwhelming and unrealistic when you put in whatever amount of time that you need when you've gotten up at the crack of dawn before the sun rises and you've You know done the things that you need to do to really put yourself where you need to be when the fear comes up you remember. The moments you remember the pain that and the end of the sweat and tears that you put in to achieve your desired outcome your desired dream to get the project done you know whatever it may be so. you can use that reality of you doing the work as a way to fight against the fear. Because if you've done the work, then what is there to be afraid of, right? And so that really kind of bleeds into trust. So one thing is doing the work, and the other thing is trusting yourself and believing in yourself. You know, having the confidence to not only recognize that you've done the work, but trusting yourself to let your subconscious kind of flow in a way where you don't even have to think about the fear because you've done the work and you trust yourself. So when you're in the moments of something coming up that's a little scary or something that's coming up that may cause you to have doubts, you can recognize that, you know what, there is nobody better or nobody greater for this than me. And when you can recognize that, you'll see these moments of fear is actually your moment. It's actually just your moment to step up and rise and be the person that's accepting the moment as something that's a part of your synchronicity, like we talked about in other episodes. Because a lot of times, right when you have that fear of rejection or that fear that comes up, it's right before a breakthrough. So you may be afraid to go shake someone's hand at a conference or at an event, And if you push through that, that could be the connection that you need to change your life or your business existence or your career. So for me, I do the work first. That way, I don't doubt myself. And doing the work is not about bragging. It's not about Instagram. It's not about showing off. Doing the work is for me. Doing the work is so that I know that when things come up, I can rely on my subconscious to really just kind of pull some muscle memory so that I know that I'm ready to go.

John: What I'm hearing from you is how important discipline is. Just really staying, staying the course, doing the work on your own to help build some of that momentum. And then you mentioned doubt. right then that's kind of fear's cousin that I feel like fear that fear causes doubt that almost like doubt is doubt is lingering fear like the kind of like aftershocks of fear and aftershocks of past rejections because When doubt comes up, it's actually trying to protect us, right? So when we doubt our abilities, when we doubt our chances of success, it's actually keeping us safe when you think about it, right? Because that doubt is going to keep you in a place of comfortability. Because, you know, I'm not really the man or woman for the job. You know, I don't really think I have that in me just yet. I'm going to need a couple more years. It's like that's keeping you safe. That's not putting yourself out there. So doubt. is while it's hard to say that's a negative emotion, it's a survival emotion. It's an emotion that keeps us from taking risks that in your survival mind are unnecessary. We don't need to strive for this goal. We're already safe. Right? So it's recognize the doubt for what it is and also recognize that everyone has it. Everyone has fears. Everyone has doubts. All of the people that you're seeing accomplishing great things, they all have had fears. They have all doubted themselves. They have all faced people that have wanted to put them in their place, right? Because When you think of collective doubt, you know, that's like. No, no, your place. No, your place at the table. Do you need to speak up and say things like that? You know, that's collective doubt. Like, let's just keep things the way they are. Why are you trying to disrupt things? You know. And, you know, I see that come in a lot in business spaces or when young folks are trying to speak up at the table when there's a new person that comes into a board from outside the company. It's like, you know, one, you start doubting this person's ability. You don't want them to shake things up. And, you know, that's kind of like what we talked about in the leadership on the line episode where that Sabotage tries to come in and kind of undermine, undermine your leadership or undermine your voice. And like that's collective doubt. So now when we get back, when we get back to the fear, you start to normalize these fears. So the fear of rejection, maybe you've been rejected at different points in your life. Maybe you've experienced a failure that, you know, really started to affect the way that you're thinking about yourself and your future. And that's all very real. The feelings are very, very real. And this is something I feel I'm just going to go ahead and say is inevitable when you start an entrepreneurial journey. Everyone will want to celebrate you. Everyone will be so excited that you're doing it. And then. They kind of fade into the ether. And you have to make a new name for yourself and you have to build trust and reputation and like that takes time and it takes a lot of moving forward in the face of that rejection. So as those fears come up, recognize them for what they are. part of life that everyone is having them. You are not alone. And then start to unpack like what really is fear? What really, what does it feel like? you know, is it a little calming, like, um, clamming us in the hands, tightness in the chest, mind racing, you know, it's, it's physical sensations, right? But then when you really think about outside of the sensation, it's okay, this event is going to happen. What is this going to mean about me? It's like. It really comes down to what being rejected means to you. Right, so it's we think that being rejected means that we're not good enough. Like that's really what it comes down to. Is if I'm rejected, then I'm not good enough or I'm just not good period. And then there's the pain that comes with rejection like that is real. You know, so we are afraid of that. So then, you know, once we have those two things kind of like feeding off each other, then the doubt starts to come in. You know, that's what really holds you back from moving forward is that lingering fear transition to doubt.

Tony: You know, and you talked about earlier that it seemed like discipline was one of the key things for me. You're right. And, you know, it brings me back to Gallup. And so discipline is my third strength of my top five. And it's probably obvious if you know me, you know, I follow like these crazy routines. Right. So don't we all. But anyway. I think that that is an advantage though, is knowing my strengths because it helps me when it comes to fear. The better I know myself, the better I can fight against fear, the better I can lean into who I am and decipher when things are happening, what's actually happening with me and how I can overcome them. So yeah, I think that's a great observation on your part. Can you talk about the fear when it comes to entrepreneurship and starting a new business and i wanna touch on that because. That's actually a big part of why me if you are a friend of mine and you have a business. I'll celebrate you in the beginning, but I'm actually coming to check on you later because I know how it is later when nobody's around. See, I try to be the friend that will say, that will find opportunities to help keep your business going. Like, I'll try to book you for something later. I'll try to find a way to connect you to someone Later because it's a partnership the wheel and an engine that it really needs just like a car needs to change it needs a new tires it needs like all the things. And if you are one person show doing everything is sometimes difficult so i have several friends with businesses and some with new businesses and you know i'm like. I'll check on you when everybody leaves, because I know that after the grand opening, it's gonna get tough. And so, thank you for bringing that up. And you said something good about people in fear, and I wanted to bring up a quote from another book, Conscious Accountability, that I'm reading, and it says that, People who achieve astounding success of one kind or another often do so after having failed sometimes after many, many painful setbacks. And so it resonated with me. It was like a piece in the book that I just had to. at the point and say for myself because it's so true and i know it to be true you know people will see you or see other people's success and assume that you were an overnight success or that it happened kind of quickly or whatever it may be in the reality is that. It only came after many many trials and errors and failures and so that's so true in a lot of what you find is that those people who have failed and overcome failure many many times. They don't have the fear anymore. They actually, they have mitigated their fear because they have experienced failure and overcoming failure so many times that they have learned how to mitigate their fear. And they can now recognize fear quickly and say, that's not me, I'm not afraid, actually. And let me help you overcome your fear. You know, I love this great story. It's about a captain of a cruise ship, right? This story is really about the power of the subconscious mind, but it talks about how a person can be new to a cruise ship and never been on a cruise before. And they already walk into the cruise. They're nervous. They have the fear of what if this happens? What if that happens? So they're walking around the cruise ship and somebody comes up to them and says, hey, you look sick. And they say, really? I thought I was sick. I thought I looked sick. I think I should go lay down. And they go and they lay down and they don't enjoy the cruise, right? The same person can go up to the captain of the cruise ship and say, hey, you look sick. And the captain is like, what are you talking about? I'm not sick. In fact, you need to get out of the way because I'm trying to operate and run this whole cruise ship. And that's the difference of fear, right? The captain is. sailed 10,000 times. He's probably come up against, he knows the winds, he knows the sea, he knows when things are out of whack. He can tell based on the weather or the amount of people even on the boat. He probably has so many ways to understand whether or not this is going to go well, this is going to go wrong, this is going to go right. But you as a novice, you as a new person, you as a person that's never attempted anything in this new realm of industry or life, you naturally have the fear because you already are afraid before you even get started. And so I just like to bring that up because you talk about the discipline. Me, I'm always trying to be the captain. I'm trying to learn all the pieces so that I can overcome the fear that already lives inside of me and the fear that's going to come up against me as well as the fears that'll come up with the people around me. Because that's a huge part of it too, is how do you mitigate the fears of other people? Because the further we grow and the further we go, the more our teams will add on, the more that people will be around us in a way where their fear can stop the entire process of what you're building. Because someone could say, hey, I think we should do it like this. And you're like, OK, that makes absolutely no sense. But let me understand why you feel that way. And then what you hear people basically tell you is that they're afraid. And you, as the leader, as the captain of the ship, you got to be able to navigate that. You can't just blow past their claims and not recognize it. You actually have to learn how to manage it. and help them overcome it so they don't bring it up later. And then it helps them grow, and then they can do the same with people on their team. So that's just leadership.

John: And the key message that I'm hearing in that is on your professional journey, your career journey, your entrepreneurship journey, whatever it is that you're trying to create in your life, be very, very selective. about the opinions and advice that you take on. because everyone's going to have an opinion. Everyone's going to have a word of advice for you. And don't let that sway you from what feels right in your heart to step into your career, your mission, your business. Like that's why it's yours. Because when people give you advice and opinions, it helps them feel like they're a part of something bigger. It helps them feel like they're a part of your journey. So most of it is actually selfish. Most of it is so they can feel that they've contributed to the journey and help build what you build. And sometimes it's exactly what you need to hear. but be very, very selective with what you take on and let touch your heart. So it's like you can hear everyone out here, you know, out at face value, hear it. Okay. But when you hear something that really resonates with you, learn more. Ask where that's coming from. See what's behind it. What experiences have they had that have brought them to this conclusion? I get really curious about it before you take advice or opinions into your heart to influence your journey, your career, your business. Just Protect that. It's special. It's sacred. Your vision is not secret, but sacred.

Tony: Hold it like that. So good. And it's so important to recognize that piece about what have they done. Because as a leader, really as a person, but I'm speaking specifically right now to a leader, you actually need to be an active listener. So you can't reject what people say all the time, like you really should listen to it because you can always learn in any way about you can learn about the person or you can learn about yourself. You can learn about your project or whatever it may be. But then it is important, like John said, to ask or to try to learn what they've done so that you can place their advice in the proper channel or in the proper place. Like maybe it's just a piece of advice that's just very general, or maybe it's something specific to your business as a CEO or a leader. And then maybe it's what did this person achieve or what were they able to accomplish to where maybe I can ask them more about what they've done so I can extract more, you know, positive nuggets for my business or project. So it's not all a negative conversation. It's like someone's giving you advice and you're just like, thank you. Maybe it's they give you the advice and you say, well, how did that work for you? Because you seem to be successful. What did you do? Like you tell me what not to do, but what did you do in this situation. So very important. And I wanted to bring up another piece here, kind of twofold. So one is, don't forget that the opposite of fear is faith. So try to find your way to have faith. Maybe that's religion, maybe it's spiritual, whatever it may be. Don't forget that that's the opposite. So we live in a very high fear-based culture and society. You got to ask yourself, well, where are people's faith? whether that's by design. Some books will tell you that it's by design, that people don't have faith. And then it really does work when you just literally have faith. When you go into a situation and you say, man, this is gonna work. Some people tell me I'm too optimistic, or I'm too positive, because if you ask me something, and it sounds like logical, I'm not just gonna tell you yes, it's gonna work all the time. But if it makes sense, I will literally be the one that says, like, it's going to work. It's going to work. Go for it, you know, and just give you that faith. And even if it doesn't work this time, it could work at the next time, the next time, next time. But anyway, I wanted to bring up. a phrase that's called claim it. And so claim it means being willing to carry responsibility for the consequences of your actions or inactions, both with regard to the things that you're working to achieve and the relationships involved. So claiming it. So one of the key stoppers of claiming it is fear, as we're talking about here. And so some of the pieces of fear that I wanted to recognize is harboring fears of looking bad. You know, you're just afraid of looking bad. I think that's maybe 50% of it. You're afraid of how you're going to look. And a lot of times, if you really recognize what's happening, There's nobody else judging you but you. So you're afraid of looking bad and nobody cares but you and you're afraid of looking bad. Losing self-esteem or losing esteem in the eyes of yourself again or others, you know. incurring negative consequences. If mistakes or errors or shortcomings are exposed, these can all be barriers to claiming it. And this can be especially true when the stakes are high, such as high work or high pressure situations. And different industries have a lot of high pressure stakes that are happening. And so I just want to point that out, because if you take responsibility, like I mentioned with that quote, you'll see how powerful you are. But those stoppers of fear are real. And based on me saying this out loud, I think 90% of them are just in your mind.

John: Definitely in your mind. I mean, I would say 100% of it is in your mind at this point. I mean, we're not running from existential crises or lions anymore. Right? It's like, and I'd also say not just in your mind and you know, when you're moving into some of the things that you brought up here and fears looking bad, your esteem in the eyes of others, all fears at this point really are interpersonal fears. Like when you're fearing rejection, it's, you know, when it's, I'd say that all of the other things that you have here, you know, whether it's career, entrepreneurship, relationships, professional, you know, even yourself when just rejecting yourself. really all comes down to social rejection. You know, when others reject us, because one of the number one things that we need and you know what our souls want to do is express themselves in connection with others. So whenever now just when you're fearing rejection and when these fears come up, think about like really look at what you're thinking about. Is it really the rejection or is it what everyone will think about the rejection? Like there's so much behind comparison. So part of releasing fear of rejection is releasing your need to be like better than or at some level in comparison to everyone else. Be better than the old version of yourself. Compete against old versions of you, not looking at everyone else. And it's like I'm saying this like I've mastered it. No, that comes up for me all the time. I see people success. I see an Instagram post. I'm like, damn, I'm not there. Damn, that person's younger than me. I'm not there and you could say that. OK, that's a driver for me to do to do more. It can be. And it can also stop you from just doing your work like being disciplined to do your work at this juncture of your life. And that could be. whatever level of production that is. And maybe someone is better than you at delivering the message at building the product in your same line of work. But the market is huge. You know, like there's so much that we can contribute and look at it like a pyramid, you know, like maybe there are 10 people at the top of the pyramid that are contributing to the upper middle section of the pyramid. You know, say you're in that upper middle sexual, the section of the pyramid and you're learning from the top, there's another group that's below you that is 10 times as big for you to contribute to. Just change the level at which you're contributing and continue learning from those above you. We're all. On this path together. While we're being pulled up by folks higher up on the pyramid or the mountain, we're also pulling people up behind us. So there's something about overcoming fear that's about staying in your lane. And not. And not saying in your lane like turning a blind eye to what's happening around you. It's about taking in everything that's happening around you and celebrating it. But then at the same time, being able to not just stay in your lane, but be grateful for your lane. Be. Overjoyed that you know you get to contribute where you are, you know, embrace the learning journey. It's so I'd say that the biggest thing for me about overcoming the fear of rejection and having faith is just tuning into my unique contribution. So that would be the last thing I would leave you guys with is like tune into your unique contribution and what it is right now. and be profoundly OK with that.

Tony: Wow, that's powerful. I think that's that's definitely a great way to end it. I'll probably just add just a little bit to that one. I think that. If you really look at the entire world, if you drew a huge circle and you recognize that if you just contribute this one dot. The whole circle. Like, that's all you need to do. One dot to the entire circle instead of trying to be the circle. I think we sometimes take our whole world and we make it the whole world instead of just being a very powerful, mighty contributor to that one dot of the ecosystem. Very powerful in terms of the market that you mentioned. You know and just to close for me is just one of the pieces of failure or fear that can really hold you back, especially when it comes to face a rejection is over generalizing your failures over generalizing your rejections over personalizing your rejections and failures. Dwelling on it sitting on them. Reliving those painful emotions and memories. Release the past. Release the past. The past is the past, like Rafiki said on Lion King. Popped him in the head and said, past is the past. What's wrong with you? And that takes work. I've been there. I've been stuck in the past of failures before, too. But, you know, it really does sometimes take time. You do have to just let time heal. Time does heal all. And, you know, recognize that whatever happened or whatever it is, it was just a blip. It was just a little blip in the entire continuum of life. It wasn't life or it isn't life. It's just a blip. And remember like you're going to look back one day on your failures and you'll smile, you'll laugh, or you'll say, man, that really fueled me to become the person that I am today.

John: That's right. So go become the person that you will be tomorrow by doing what you got to do today. My friends, we will catch you next episode. Thank you so much for being a listener. Rate us and review us anywhere that you're listening to your podcast right now. So, that really goes a long way for us. Share what you're experiencing, what you're learning from this, and bring on your friends, bring on your family. Share this with someone that you feel like will benefit at this point in their life. It might be exactly what they need to hear. So check us out at the presentprofessionalpodcast.com. Again, thank you for being listeners. We'll talk to you next time.